Letting Go & Letting God
After a year of non-stop planning, working harder than ever before on a business, a wedding, a house, a property and my relationship my ability to control my life was taken from me. God works in mysterious ways, he presents himself in our lives in unforeseen ways and takes exactly what is necessary to get our attention. It was 5 months into my first pregnancy that I finally paid attention. It took 8 months of extremely hard work, and 5 months of extremely poor health to realize that I needed to Let Go & Let God.
The Back Story
On September 5, 2016 the love my life got down on one knee in our kitchen. I was cooking meatballs, he was proposing. I had to ask him if he was serious or if he was just messing with me. The beautiful ring he presented to me cleared up any doubt. I said yes! It was so perfect, it was so us and I am so in love with how it is special to him and I both.
December 11, 2016 my fiance and I stood in the crowd of shoppers in Las Vegas cowboy Christmas and looked through a list of Event Rental Equipment for sale via auction online. 2 bloody marys and a bunch of clicking later we had decided to buy an event rental business.
December 16, 2016 we took a trailer to pickup everything from the auction and ended up having to call in two more to pick it all up. It took 5 months to make it through those trailers to see exactly was we purchased.
May 6, 2017 We said “I Do!” in a beautiful ceremony, launching his parents wedding venue and our event rental business.
June 11(ish), 2017 we conceived our first child. We didn’t know it and we weren’t planning on it;-) but God is funny like that.
July 4, 2017 the vomiting started. That is also the weekend that my husband decided to tear out half of our kitchen. We had been talking about remodeling eventually, but the news of a baby on the way kicked our plan into high gear.
End of July, 2017 I was vomiting at least 15 times a day. Exhausted, dehydrated, starved and nauseous my whole world was turning upside down.
The Breaking Point
By the time I told my employer that I was pregnant I was only 9 weeks along, I couldn’t hide how horribly sick I was. I worked as best as I could, medicated and still full of resolve until the end of August.
By September I was almost exclusively working from home. Driving made me so nauseous that I would be practically bedridden after driving to work, spending most of time with my head between my knees and doing my best to drink 17oz of water during the day. And that’s when it happened. Something broke inside.
I was broken, weak, tired, vomiting non-stop for 3 months had taken a toll on my body that I could not even slightly comprehend. That’s when I decided to only work from home, trying to get 40 hours in, trying to pay all bills, trying to survive our kitchen remodel that had turned into a whole house remodel…it was too much.
My house was broken, my body was broken and my mind was broken.
And in this broken, sad, miserable wreck of a person I could hear a faint voice. It was telling me to let go.
Let Go of:
- The House
- It would be taken care of eventually and I still had a roof over my head.
- My Desire to Make Others Happy
- My desire to keep my employer happy was crippling every effort to take care of myself, (push harder, push past it, push push push…)
- My Idea of Health
- I had to let go of thinking I could control my health by WANTING to get better and truly do what my body was telling me to do…REST
- My Fear
- Fear permeated every ounce of my being, fear of being broke, fear of not providing, fear of not being able to do everything I wanted to do for my child.
As I listened to the voice I started to realize that it was God. He was giving me a life line when I was feeling completely without hope. I’ll be honest though, it wasn’t easy what he was asking. Let Go…
Letting go of everything I has worked so hard to make happen, the event rental business, working for a wonderful non-profit, planning my life to a T and my home. I loved thinking that I was in control. I loved planning my life…but now…I physically and mentally couldn’t.
It was on a particularly difficult day, roughly 2 weeks ago that I sat in my car sobbing in the City Market parking lot because I felt so horrific that I just LET IT GO.
God could have my house, it was stupid, dirty and a money suck of a project anyway. He could have my job, because I couldn’t take it any longer, it was too hard to try to work that hard and feel so miserable. And most of all, he could have my FEAR! My fear of not making ends meet, the stress of trying to figure out what insurance the baby will be under and more.
Giving him every part of my broken, tired self felt so simple at that point. I literally had nothing left to do, I could not hold on any longer, so he might as well take it.
Friends, it was the best thing I couldn’t have done. I wish I hadn’t been so stubborn to think I needed to get to a complete breaking point before giving in. Want to know why? Because God makes everything easier. He will not forsake you! Everything will work out because I am a daughter of God, and He is looking out for me!
It will most certainly not work out the way I am envisioning it, it will be grossly different, but that is ok! It is ok because it will be better! It will be what God is planning.
I am taking everything single day ONE DAY AT A TIME. A solution will come for the lack of income (although working 20-25 hours a week is where I am at now, my bills will be covered). A solution will come for increasing income to pay for baby. A solution will come to take care of my health, even if that is sleeping most of the day, that is OK! A solution will come to finish my house. Most of all, a solution will come in GOD’s timing, not in mine.
Daily I wake up, and give it to God. He can have it, because I am far too weak to handle it. He is in control, and daily my anxiety, fear and stress is melting. I am only seeing one day at a time, my perception is changing, it’s changing to be the way he wants me to see things.
I believe that he has a plan, and now that I am giving him full control, you never know, it might be more than I ever dreamed possible.
So, from one sick, sick mama….LET GO & LET GOD. He will take care of you.