Dear Hyperemesis Gravidarum mama,

You are pregnant! Congratulations! What a special magical time in life. You will be glowing from the miracle of life growing inside of you. You will feel like a Goddess that your significant other will worship. You will enjoy the feeling of life fluttering inside of you, planning, nesting and being completely in love with your life.  Scratch that, this is what it has felt like as I suffer from Hyperemesis Gravidarum, a rare and debilitating form of “morning sickness”.

1. I have vomited – not just a few times a day, not on occasion, and not just in the morning. I have vomited NON-STOP for MONTHS. Have you ever hung your head over a toilet for hours at a time when you had the flu? Now imagine that flu lasting for 5 months without fail. Every single day from the moment you open your eyes you are vomiting, heaving and coughing up bile. I want you to really think about how horrific that reality is. Stop and think about putting up with that non stop.
2. I am thirsty – A deep unquenchable thirst that comes from being mildly to severely dehydrated for weeks and months at a time. A thirst that you can not quench because no matter how hard you try you can’t drink ANYTHING. Water comes back up so instantly that you now have a mental block about attempting to drink it.
3. I am hungry – A gnawing hunger sits inside of me, but I can’t eat because even the thought of eating making the gagging and retching begin. Yes, I am a level of starved that I have never before felt. Keeping down a pop-tart once a day for weeks at a time creates a hunger than I can not explain.
4. I am tired – My body is shutting down, it’s rejecting every “normal” sense of being human, starving and dehydrating itself and I can not stop it. This creates a a tiredness within me from pushing forward and trying to live, a tiredness that is actually killing me.
5. I have wanted to die – There are days during this pregnancy that the vomiting, nausea, spinning, hunger and dehydration has made me truly want to die. I can’t stress this enough…you really deeply in your mind think dying is a better solution to living. Let that sink in.
6. I am medicated – I have been given so many different medication combinations during this pregnancy that I have lost count. I HAVE to be medicated to keep food down, it keeps me from starving to death or dying from dehydration. Most of these medications are what are given to patients undergoing chemo therapy. I am only taking these medications because they are keeping me and the baby alive, I don’t need your rude opinion on what the medication could be doing to baby. Don’t add that stress on top of what I already am feeling.
7. Stop asking if I feel better yet – I know you want to know if I am feeling better, but just assume I am not and stop asking. It makes me feel awful to explain over and over again that no, I am not better. Plus, better is realative…I might have my medication working perfectly and not be throwing up today, but the constant nausea is still killing me.
8. I have wished to not be pregnant – Lastly, I want you to know this truth…as hard as it is, I have wish I wasn’t pregnant. Can I understand the miracle of life? Yes. Can I understand how many people have wished to get pregnant and cant? Yes. Can I understand that this is something that God has put it in my path? Yes. But, in the heat of the moment, as I vomit and wish to die, I have certainly wished I wasn’t pregnant.

I know it might seem a little melodramatic, but that is how I have been feeling. It’s miserable, its been a journey I don’t expect anyone to really have empathy for unless they have experienced something similar, but it’s my journey and it’s what I want others to know.

For Other Hyperemesis Gravidarum Mamas:

Now, if other mama’s out there are feeling the same way, I want you to know two things.

1. You are not alone! Seriously, there is a community of women out there are that are currently or previously suffered through Hyperemesis Gravidarum. You don’t have to face each day alone. I encourage you to join a Facebook group! It can be so helpful!
2. Visit HelpHer.Org to find answers to questions and other help! Help is out there, you just might have to dig to find it. I refer all friends and family to this website to at least educate them on what I have been going through.

Have you suffered through a “Not Perfect Pregnancy”? I’d love to hear from you! Let’s connect on our journey’s no matter what point you’re at.

Love, this mama to be struggling with HG.